"Its at least 4 inches thick I'm telling you", "ok if your sure I'm game."
A friend of mine Chris has just acquired one of those Yamaha Bigbear 350 4x4
quad bike things, he lives near that river Ancholme which happens to be
frozen solid.

Having laid my hands on a pair of Robin Cousin Koho replica skates, the plan
is set.

I managed to board the ice at that pumping station near to Hibaldstow
bridge, after a couple of triple toe loops and a double axle salco,I'm
warmed up

Strike her up lad I'm all set, canopy open behind me he takes the strain.
He set off like a nutcase the lift from the canopy was incredible
14 fishing rods 2 keepnets and a roach pole under the chin later
it hoisted myself the quadbike and its driver,

Chris hung on as long as he could, he smashed through the ice head first I
managed to see him give the thumbs up before I went on my fateful trip.

How many times have I told you no bikes in the pub, he seemed oblivious to
the quad bike shaped hole in his roof.
The wonders of Cider, Brandy wharf they called it, there I sat shod in my
iceskates plus rig and not one person battered an eyelid. Although the old
fellow at trap No.3 had a double take at the blades.
You need to wrap up out there lad he said, I have just seen a lad soaked to
the bone walking home muttering something about £4000 up the swanny.

8 pints later I hit South Kelsey at 60mph, holy mackerel the brakes are
instinctively I put my feet down to no effect. I decided to abandon quad,
resulting in a 60mph speed skate, then blackness.

12.30pm Caistor magistrates....

So Mr Grounddiver you are charged on the following counts....

Taking a motor vehicle without owners consent.
Using 14 fishing rods plus a roach pole without a rod licence
Exceeding the speed of 5 knots on an inland waterway
Criminal damage to a public house
Driving whilst knowingly above the legal alcohol limit
Driving an unlicenced and uninsured vehicle, on the public highway
Exceeding the highway speed limit by double in a 30 mph zone
Skating at speeds likely to endanger other road users.

In summary Mr Grounddiver your actions have been nothing short of
and are likely to cause injury to yourself and others, any further
escapades of this nature will leave me with no choice but to hand down
a custodial sentence
Do you have anything to say,

Errrrrrrr one of the fishing rods was not baited sir ...........